i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Randomize
