We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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