clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
