Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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