I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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