I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
