Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
