Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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