A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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