All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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