sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
