I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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