jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
