We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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