I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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