i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
