She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
