I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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