I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
