I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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