Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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