I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
