I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
