I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
