i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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