UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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