my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize