best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
