she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
