I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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