she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
