Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
