i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
