She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
