I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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