I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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