my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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