Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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