dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
