I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
