I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
