the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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