I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
