Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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