Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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