he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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