Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
