Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
