Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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