So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
