i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
