Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
pop tarts are not kleenex
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
