She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
