Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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