I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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