yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize