96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
