just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
