my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Barsexuality is the new black.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
