Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
