you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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