I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
