I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
