At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
